Hi, my name is Hilary Beth Goldstein, otherwise known as the musician/artist Hil Gold. It is 5 AM on December 29th, 2014, and I have been trying to figure my life out for the last 8 hours... Or, should I say for the last four and a half years of my life. I am 22 years old, and I am in my 5th year of college. For the last week, I have been wondering what I am supposed to do with my life, what i'm supposed to be... but first, let me first tell you a little bit about my journey to this point.
Five and a half years ago, I was a senior in high school. All I knew back then, was that I was supposed to get good grades, apply for college and try to make memories that would last a lifetime. I thought that I was supposed to be able to look back and know that my senior year was everything I wanted it to be. That I would look back and think that I grew over those 4 hellish years in that building in the middle of New Hyde Park, NY and that I left that place, having an idea of what I was supposed to do in the world. As much as I would like to say that the next 4 and a half years of my life went as planned, that would just be a BIG lie. I definitely didn't end up where I thought I would, or end up the person I thought I would be.
I had a plan when I was 17. For my senior year, I would go to school, hang out with my friends, get good grades, be in as many music groups as I could be in and of course go to things like pep rally's (where seniors were supposed to win at every trivial competition), Senior Skip Day, Prom and of course Graduation. But the one place I knew I would miss after my senior year was up was STAC - the Student Television Arts Company, which I had for 3 periods a day, every day. Being in this program, I learned about literature, philosophy, art, dance, acting, singing, music, photography, writing and so much more. This was one of the main reasons I went to school and was the place that lead me to pursue being an artist. At the end of my Senior year, I was excited to start a new chapter in my life and I hope I had made memories that would last. So, I left Herricks High School ready to pursue a classical opera, Bachelors of Science in Music degree. I planned to stay Hofstra University for 4 years and get my degree and then I would travel out of NY for my graduate degree. I imagined living a fulfilling and incredible I wouldn't waste time finding it.
I first went to college at Hofstra University. I joined the Hofstra community with an open mind, an eagerness to learn and a bright optimism for the future. For two years, I worked hard to do well in Hofstra's music program. I stayed in an area that, I thought, I would never loose my passion for. I worked in practice rooms until 4 in the morning each day, working on music theory, ear training, piano (etc...) and studying vocal technique (which I can now can say I have under my belt). But... after two years of pushing myself, the harder it became to remember why I started pursuing music in the first place. Hofstra became a struggle that I didn't want to give up on but after staying in a department that I ended up despising from two years of teachers discouraging me and sabotaging me, I knew that it was my time to leave that toxic environment. I left a place that I had high hopes for in both my academic life and in my social life. I needed a change and that's when I made my first transfer to Queens College in Flushing, Queens, NY.
Queens College became a place of comfort to me and it still is. It's where I found my love of music again and it's where I found my sorority Delta Phi Epsilon. After leaving Hofstra, which during the process of loosing my passion for music, I also found that the social life I had, even though it helped me grow and learn more about myself, wasn't what I needed at that point in my life - Queens College became a sort of paradise for me. I not only gained a reason for pursuing music again, but I also gained another family. As soon as I became a sister, I learned about the ways my sorority and Greek Life in general helps our community. I learned how DPhiE raises both awareness and money for important charities such as Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders, the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation and the Delta Phi Epsilon Educational Foundation and many other charities. Being in this organization has helped me grow as a person and I found it incredible that I found a group of girls who accepted me for who I was and accept me for who i've become and am still becoming. I found a community that accepts each other and we all have an inside understanding as to why Greek Life is important. I realize the scrutiny in which Greek Life undergoes and the stereotypes Greek Life obtains but I would never give up my organization. My sisters not only support me in everything I do, but they have remained special people in my life. I can turn to them and share the good moments as well as the bad and they have seen me at my worst and at my best. Finally, they are still there for me even though I am no longer a student at Queens College.
During the Summer in-between Hofstra and Queens, I needed a change. I needed to get away from all of the pain I suffered at Hofstra and start my Queens College experience with a newfound attitude and outlook on life. That summer, I found a college that I wish I would have known about when leaving high school. That college is called Berklee College of Music. After a year at Queens College, I decided to transfer to Berklee and use this amazing opportunity to study from musicians who are not only in the music industry but also learn from my idols such as Paula Cole, Livingston Taylor and Lisa Thorson. I never would have thought that I would end up at such a world renowned school such as Berklee and it has completely changed my life.
I am currently a dual major in Vocal Performance and Songwriting as well as a minor in Spoken Word Poetry at Berklee. The more time I spend in this amazing place surrounded by so many different, cultured and extremely motivated and talented people, the harder I work, and the more that I learn about who I am as a person, as a musician and what I want out of life. So far i've figured this much out:
I know that I want a TON out of life but I know I can only get what I want out of life with hard work and determination. I want to pursue music and continue doing what I love but I know that I want to travel. I want see the world, learn about different cultures, learn about their traditions and about their different religions. I want to try amazing food and take in the natural beauty that the earth has to share with us and I want to find out more about myself as I learn about others. I want to question the world and have it question me and I want to be challenged by it. I know that I'm not perfect but that I definitely try to be and that I need to accept that sometimes I can't be perfect and that it's impossible to be perfect in the first place. I know that I make mistakes but i'll be damned if I don't try to fix them and right my wrongs. I know that I can be wrong and I know when to own up to my mistakes. However, I also know that I am stubborn and that if I feel the burning need to do so, I will do what I need to be right - I know that sometimes the need to be right, has to be put to the waist side and I have to try and see through another person's eyes.
I know that I am 1 million percent sure that I want to fall in love. I want to be in the kind of love, where I would do anything for that person, feel safe and secure with them but at the same time feel like i'm falling down a black hole. I want that incredibly crazy, madly out of my mind kind of love and I do not want to have to apologize for it or worry about what other people have to say about it. I want to become closer to my religion and find out what I agree and disagree with. I want to have a family one day and I want to share the traditions and values that I grew up with, with my children and I want a partner that respects that.
I want to make my mark on the world through whatever I do and I want to document my life. I want people to know that i've been here and I want them remembering how I made them feel. I want to find new ways to express myself, whether that be through writing, or photography, or skiing or even jumping out of an airplane. I want to try new things and find out even more about what I like and dislike and not change any of that for anyone.
I know that I am a person who likes independence. I know how take care of myself and take care of those who need me. I am reliable, responsible and both academically and street-smart. I know that I am hard working, determined, extremely positive and sometimes even a bit doe-eyed - which is a quality that I love in myself even if people don't understand why I would want that. I know that even with high expectations for the world and the people around me that I at times need to see things for what they are and recognize reality from fantasy. I know that if I am feeling down, I know myself well enough to change my point of view and make a bad situation into a good one. I know how special it is to be able to look on the good side of things and see the glass as half full.
I know that I am kind and caring and I know that I have a big heart and I try to see the best in people, even if they have done wrong by me or don't see it in themselves. I know what it's like to have rough patches in life and the need to help people who are in them and I understand the strength that it takes to overcome them. I know that I have common sense, and a sense of understanding and I know that I am strong and I know that I do NOT deter easily. I will do what I need to do to make my dreams come true, and I will not change my beliefs or my morals to get them.
I know that I still have a lot to work to do in terms of being able to constantly believe in myself and not conform to what society wants me to be. And I know that I need to work on not worrying what other people think of me both in my art, physically and emotionally, but these are things that are getting better with each day and are things I am finding more confidence in with each moment and each new experience.
Finally, I know that I love my family and friends and that I love music, but I also know that those three things will be there for me when I fall down and will annoy the living crap out of me until I get up and keep fighting. Even if I get annoyed by that fact, I know that I am thankful to be in a position where I can count on others to be there for me, even if I am not able to see that in the heat of the moment.
As of right now, I have no idea how things will turn out for me. I don't know if I will end up a musician or a photographer or a candle stick maker. I don't even know if i'm going to be able to eat something other than ramen noodles for the rest of my life... but the one thing I do know is that I have hope and a drive to do whatever my heart desires and I am so thankful for that.
Until next time,
Hil Gold
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