2015 Is Coming!!!! - A message to the big girls!

Hello everyone and welcome back to Words for Thought!               

   Soooooooooo, with the New Year coming up and with so many people solidifying their New Year's plans and resolutions, I have decided that I will do the best I can to make the coming year the best it can be. I want to work on my relationships with my friends and family and push myself to be the best person and student I can be. I hope and will do all I can to challenge myself in my music and work even harder to establish myself even more so as a musician and gain an even larger fan base. I want to work on my originals and end up with material that I am truly proud of. Finally - and I don't want to be cliché about this, BUT... - I want to make my body as healthy as it can be. I have made resolutions in the past to loose weight and get that oh so desired "bikini body." I wanted to go on diets and take weight-loss pills just so that I can wear clothing that models wear and be able to go into Victoria's Secret and buy thongs that I would feel confident in. After watching the Victoria's Secret fashion show this year (and for the past few years as well), I know full well about the pressures young girls go through to be "skinny" a.k.a "Beautiful." 

   This year however, even with a ton of advertisements continuing to promote beauty by weight-loss through advertisements on TV, in Movies, on the covers and pages of Magazines, through the expectations/pressures from the Music Industry and so much more, I have decided to ignore these pressures and do what feels right for me. I know that I have fallen prey to giving into the "tips and trick to loose ___ lbs. in ___ days," but this year, I want to go about this particular issue in a completely different way. If I decide that I want to work on loosing weight, it will be because I truly want to do so for my health and not because of the pressures of the media. I will not do it for my family, friends or potential love interests. I'm realizing that if the people in my life truly love me, they will love me no matter my size and If I do go on a diet, it will be because I want to make sure that my health is in tip top shape. I will not try to be society's kind of "beautiful". 

   I can see how far i've come because I am able to write this down and I can say this out loud: I am finding more and more to love about my body.  

   Of course from societies' impact, I will always find something to fix, but slowly but surely I know that these "problem sections" will continue to fade away and will one day be the things that add to me feeling beautiful.

  Finally, joining my sorority Delta Phi Epsilon at Queens College helped make me more confident in my body. My organization as a whole and my chapter sisters helped me to start to accept the skin that i'm in. They told me I am beautiful and showed me that my body does not define me and that only I control how I see myself. In addition to this, being at Berklee has given me a newfound kind of confidence. I remember wanting to loose weight because I wanted boys to look at me. I have always known that this shouldn't be what pushed me to diet and that if a guy likes me, he will like and accept all of me, my mind and my curves. 

   Even with all the progress i've made, I understand why I thought like this. Throughout the years, kids made fun of me for my weight. I didn't have a boyfriend all through middle and high school which made me feel like something was wrong with me. Today I realize that this mindset wasn't right and if I could tell my younger self anything at all, it would be that I shouldn't worry about my body. That, the right guy will not care or even notice the things that I do. I would tell younger me, to focus on finding who I want to be and what I want to do. That I should not worry about what other kids think or say because in the end these children aren't worth my time or energy and I shouldn't spend one second more focusing on them.

  At Berklee, I know that I do not look like many of the other girls at school. I don't wear the kinds of clothes that they do and I have different proportions and it's more than likely I will have way more curves than them. But what Berklee has given me is something that I will continue to carry throughout my life. I've found that if love myself and if I am healthy and comfortable in my own skin, everyone around me will love me too. More and more often I am finding that I am not comparing my beauty to the unique beauty of others. I may never have the body of a Victoria's Secret Model or even that of a typical celebrity these days, but that is okay. My body is unique. It's not a cookie cutter "ideal" Hollywood body and that is okay because everyone is made differently. I've worked so hard to try and stand out so why would I ever want to take steps to fit in. 

For all of the girls out there reading this, I want you to know that it has taken me a long time to come to these conclusions. I want you to know that I am still working on loving every part of myself and that doing this takes time. Know that if you need someone to talk to feel free to email me. You are not alone.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to read this and I hope that you find what you truly want to accomplish or accept in the coming year. Happy New Year!

Social Media Obsession

    So last night, I never went to sleep... I ended up creating this blog and starting a Pinterest page! The other day my mother asked me if I could help her start a blog and gain a large following. This way she could rate different products and possibly get paid for doing so. I thought it was a good idea and thought it would be good to try it out myself. I had planned on possibly starting my own online life  but I got the push to do so last night. After watching maybe 50 Buzzfeed videos, I looked up job openings or internships for Buzzfeed. It turned out that Buzzfeed is looking for many positions and a few internships to be filled and the one internship that I found interesting said that I needed a strong online presence, either on a blog or Pinterest and have a strong Facbook presence. So in order to at least try and make my dream of making videos and living in that lap of luxury at the Buzzfeed offices xP, I would start making my Presence known online and show the world what Hil Gold has to offer (I know i'm being cheesy but just try and go with it xP). SOOOOOOOOOO, I would LOVEE it and really really appreciate it if you could follow me on both this Blog and on my Pinterest and if you're interested you can also check out my musician page and follow me there too! (Don't worry, I won't completely take over your life, I promise! :D)

Here are the links! - 

Musician Page:

www.facebook.com/HilGoldMusic

Pinterest Page:

http://www.pinterest.com/HilsWorld

      - Food, Drinks, Nightlife, Travel, Love, Body Image, Photography, Disney, Home Decor and so much more!

FINALLY :D

     I just wanted to say thank you for taking the time to listen to what I have to say. I'm already really enjoying this process and I can't wait to see where this goes. Also, this blog is going to be, not only a documentation of many aspects of my life, but also a documentation of any and everything that I find interesting on that day or during that week or during that month. It will be about anything that pops into my mind whether good or bad. It will be about art, music, photography, philosophy, social issues, political issues and so much more. I can't wait to see what I come up with and I can't wait to hear from all of you! 

Until Next Time,

Hil Gold

Berklee College of Music - The Audition and an update!

   During the Summer for 2012. in-between attending Hofstra University and Queens College, I knew that I needed a change. I needed to get away and start my Queens College experience with a newfound attitude and outlook on life and on my life. That summer, I found a college that I wish I would have known about when leaving high school. That college is called Berklee College of Music. 

      I've always wanted to pursue  the kind of music I would sing in my room for fun. Leaving high school, I only knew about music programs either geared towards classical music or musical theater. Studying genre's such as pop, jazz, folk, R&B and so many more, were a thing of fantasy and according to my teachers in both high school, and college were genres that weren't considered "real music."

       That summer, I found Berklee's Vocal Summit Program and Stage Performance Workshop online and begged my parents to allow me to attend. After much convincing which basically means pleading with them and bringing Berklee up every two minutes, they eventually said yes. Both programs altogether lasted all of a week and a half, but that week and a half changed my life. I found musicians who were just as passionate as me. There was nothing else that they wanted to do and I found comfort on the Berklee campus. Walking around and hearing music through the streets and in every hall of Berklee's buildings made me feel inspired and that feeling couldn't have been needed any more than it was at that moment in my life. When I  completed the programs, I knew that I wanted to audition for the school itself. After seeing the immense talent of the Berklee student body, and after thoroughly searching online and reading about the acceptance rate for Berklee (which at the time was 18%) I became intimidated. I read about how the school is 70% male and only 30% female and I continued to find more and more reasons as to why I wouldn't be accepted. I thought to myself, that the overall acceptance is extremely low and on top of that, I'm a classically trained singer, who only sings Pop/R&B/Folk music in my room. I'm a lyricist/poet that's never shown anyone my work and i'm also an artist with an immense amount of stage fright, so there was no way I would be accepted. Therefore, I convinced myself that I was going to audition, it would be for fun and for the experience of auditioning. I would audition for a school as prestigious as Berklee so I can know what it would be like to be under that kind of pressure and so I can gain feedback and work on my artistry. 

      When I got home, I found out that the audition was on my 20th Birthday and decided to spend it in Boston. Until the day I left again for Boston, I took voice lessons and prepared an Ingrid Michaelson piece called "Maybe" for my audition. The song was very repetitive and I knew that I could do a lot with it to stand out, changing the end into jazz improvisation and my own jumble of words from the song. When I got to Berklee, I could feel my nerves swarming through my body but I tried my best to remember why I was doing this.

       The audition took place at 921 Boylston Street, Boston, Mass. This is a main building on campus that houses many of the main offices on campus, the student activities center, as well as the admissions office and the David Friend Recital Hall, which was turned into a waiting area for the auditionee's. I first checked in at a table outside the recital hall and was lead into the hall to wait for a student employee to  would bring me to a private room where I could warm up and  was given 15 minutes to learn a few sight reading examples. When the student came back 15 minutes later to lead me to my audition, I remember thinking to myself that I should just have fun. That I shouldn't worry about if I get in or not because, I was going to another school in the Fall and that this was supposed to be fun. I promised myself that no matter the outcome, I would leave that audition being proud of myself for trying and that I would celebrate the rest of my day with parents who support and love me. 

       Walking into the audition was less scary than I thought it would be. There was a very friendly man who smiled and introduced himself right away and a woman who said hello but seemed to be ready to take notes on my audition since she had a computer sitting in front of her ready to go. The kind man asked me what song I would be singing and then popped my CD into the speaker system which had my instrumental track for "Maybe" on it. We started off with my song and although I had sung it a thousand times before and although I had my voice completely warmed up and ready to go, my performance did not go as expected. I knew that my entire body was shaking which made my vocal chords shake as well and there was nothing I could do. I was trapped in a body that was more nervous than I had anticipated and I didn't know how to control it. All the shaking and racing thoughts made my performance a bit shaky and made my vocal chords shake to a point where I started to crack and loose control over my voice. I knew that I had bombed my one time to prove myself worthy of Berklee. The only thing I could do was try to move on and so that was exactly what I tried to do. 

         I finished my song, made eye contact with the judges and smiled. I ran through the sight reading with a decent turn out and did an improvisation section (I had to improv over both a jazz progression and a blues progression) and had a call and response session. I then had to identify qualities of chords (major, minor, augmented, diminished) which went pretty well. I knew that I was still shaking a bit throughout the rest of the audition but I did the best I could and that was all I could hope for. When the audition came to a close, I thanked the judges for seeing me and wished them a good rest of the day. I grabbed my things and began to walk out the door, sure that I would go to the bathroom, cry for 5 minutes and then enjoy the rest of my day, but then, all of a sudden, with one of my legs in the room and one leg out the door, the woman who was taking notes the entire time and who had only said hello and goodbye to me, asked me to come back into the room. I was unsure as to why but of course I went back in. She went on to say "So I see that you graduated high school in 2010, what have you been doing for the last two years?" I went on to tell her that I had been at Hofstra University studying Opera Performance and pursuing a Bachelors of Science Degree in Music in their music program and that I had been studying classical music both in school and privately for the last 10 years. She then went on to ask me to do the last thing I thought I would ever do at this particular audition. 

     When I went to this audition it was August 11th, 2012 and I had not practiced, nor had I taken private voice lessons all summer. I had avoided singing opera even in the house by myself or for my parents because classical music had become more of a chore than a passion. So, when this woman asked me to sing 30 seconds of any classical piece, I was shocked and unprepared. Being able to sing opera takes a certain kind of warm up regiment, which I had not done since my opera voice and the voice I have when singing pop music, are very different, (I was not going to warm up before the audition as if I was going to sing opera when I was going to sing a pop song). I didn't have any instrumental music and I wasn't even sure I remembered the words to Any song at all even with years of studying this art craft. The awe of being called back into the room when I thought I blew my shot, and to have someone who teaches at a world renowned contemporary music college and is judging me based on my voice alone was shocking to me. I drew a blank but of course I didn't turn her down. About 15 seconds later I somehow managed to remember one piece. I announced my song, "Plaisir D'amour a french aria by Johann Paul Martini." It wasn't a very complicated piece but I knew that it showed off my voice and at the time, it was the only song I could think of. It was a piece I learned years before and hadn't sung in a very long time and so, with no idea what note the piece started on, I started to sing. This was when something amazing happened.

     As the piece went on, words flowed from my mouth. I remembered every last one of them with the correct pronunciation and I sung every note with ease. After singing opera for as long as I had, singing this style felt natural and I didn't need to worry about a thing. I let each high note ring out and I was able to get into the music. Therefore, this woman wanting me to sing 30 seconds, turned into four and a half minutes, until the entire piece was complete. When I finished, I looked at her and the man who had auditioned me. They both were smiling and the woman went on to say, "Thank you very much." And that was it. There was nothing else to do for them, so I left. 

      Walking out of that room, I had no idea what to expect from my audition. There was no clear sign if I got in or not and so I moved on. I went into my interview feeling decent with my aria performance and I went on to tell the interviewer about how I wanted to look into a double major in performance and film scoring. How I have been studying music throughout high school and college and how there was no discussion about what i'd do in college. Music was the only logical choice. I told him about how I went to the two summer programs, and how I loved every minute of them. I knew that my interview went well and I genuinely enjoyed talking to the interviewer.              

        When the interview was over, I went to find my parents. Their phones were off but I knew that they would be on the next street over (Newbury Street) walking around and looking at shops, so that's where I went. I found them and told them about my audition. All I remember next is my dad turning to me in the middle of the sidewalk on Newbury Street and saying that I got in because I sang opera for them. That I showed them that I have been studying and that I can be put on the spot and successfully pull through. That I showed them I had discipline to learn a difficult art-form and prove that it was something I enjoy. My dad was right, singing opera was something I enjoyed and not doing so for a few months made the experience of singing in that way again a good experience. However, I remember thinking that maybe I had a shot of getting into my dream school but mostly that it was probably not going to happen because why would a contemporary, legendary school like Berklee take an opera singer? I didn't see how and I told my mom "I probably didn't get in but it was a good experience I won't ever forget."

         The rest of the day was spent shopping and out for a birthday dinner and then the next day, we went home. I started school that Fall at Queens College in Flushing Queens, NY and started studying in their Voice Performance program. I began taking lessons again and forming a more positive and exciting experience in my college career. I moved into the Queens College dormitory where I soon  met a girl who lived down the hall from me. We became close right away and today she is my best friend and sister my sorority Delta Phi Epsilon. That semester I began my process to become a sister and started to enjoy singing again. I had forgotten about my audition for Berklee and didn't worry about getting into that college or not. I was just starting to find my place at Queens. On September 15th, 2012, I was looking through my emails and instead of thoroughly looking through them, I selected all of them to be deleted. I skimmed through the emails once before I was going to delete them, and saw that an email was from Berklee College of Music and the subject was "Your Application to Berklee College of Music." I hadn't thought about Berklee and assumed I didn't get in, so, seeing this email was a bit confusing to me. I had never been the person to get the solos in high school or get any parts in shows or any solos in college, so over time my confidence had been gnawed away. When I opened the email and read "Congratulations, Hilary!" I automatically knew that I had been accepted to Berklee. I couldn't believe what I was reading and so naturally, I began to cry, scream and jump up and down. I thanked G-d for this opportunity and I called my parents right away crying straight through our whole conversation. I even ran down to my (now) best friend's dorm room at the time and even though I hardly knew her at that point, told her that I got in and was beaming from cheek to cheek. 

        I will never forget the moment I found out that I got into Berklee College of Music. It will be a moment that I will cherish for the rest of my life and it will remind me that dreams do come true. 

       

         Today, two and a half years after my Berklee audition, I am a dual major in Vocal Performance and Songwriting and a Spoken Word Poetry Minor and I am loving every second at Berklee. Berklee is more than what I was expecting and although it is a very challenging school it is also very rewarding! All the professors push you to be your best and there's nothing I want more than to succeed in this crazy music industry of ours. Berklee is giving me the tools to be the best and I will not let this opportunity slip through my fingers. It really is a dream come true for me and Berklee has not only made me much more confident in myself but has also made my view of the future much brighter and full of opportunity! 

       I am so thankful for my little piece of heaven.

Until Next Time,

Hil Gold

Starting Over

  

  Hi, my name is Hilary Beth Goldstein, otherwise known as the musician/artist Hil Gold. It is 5 AM on December 29th, 2014, and I have been trying to figure my life out for the last 8 hours... Or, should I say for the last four and a half years of my life. I am 22 years old, and I am in my 5th year of college. For the last week, I have been wondering what I am supposed to do with my life, what i'm supposed to be... but first, let me first tell you a little bit about my journey to this point.

     Five and a half years ago, I was a senior in high school. All I knew back then, was that I was supposed to get good grades, apply for college and try to make memories that would last a lifetime. I thought that I was supposed to be able to look back and know that my senior year was everything I wanted it to be. That I would look back and think that I grew over those 4 hellish years in that building in the middle of New Hyde Park, NY and that I left that place, having an idea of what I was supposed to do in the world. As much as I would like to say that the next 4 and a half years of my life went as planned, that would just be a BIG lie. I definitely didn't end up where I thought I would, or end up the person I thought I would be.

    I had a plan when I was 17. For my senior year, I would go to school, hang out with my friends, get good grades, be in as many music groups as I could be in and of course go to things like pep rally's (where seniors were supposed to win at every trivial competition), Senior Skip Day, Prom and of course Graduation. But the one place I knew I would miss after my senior year was up was STAC - the Student Television Arts Company, which I had for 3 periods a day, every day. Being in this program, I learned about literature, philosophy, art, dance, acting, singing, music, photography, writing and so much more. This was one of the main reasons I went to school and was the place that lead me to pursue being an artist. At the end of my Senior year, I was excited to start a new chapter in my life and I hope I had made memories that would last. So, I left Herricks High School ready to pursue a classical opera, Bachelors of Science in Music degree. I planned to stay Hofstra University for 4 years and get my degree and then I would travel out of NY for my graduate degree. I imagined living a fulfilling and incredible I wouldn't waste time finding it.

     I first went to college at Hofstra University. I joined the Hofstra community with an open mind, an eagerness to learn and a bright optimism for the future. For two years, I worked hard to do well in Hofstra's music program. I stayed in an area that, I thought, I would never loose my passion for. I worked in practice rooms until 4 in the morning each day, working on music theory, ear training, piano (etc...) and studying vocal technique (which I can now can say I have under my belt). But... after two years of pushing myself, the harder it became to remember why I started pursuing music in the first place. Hofstra became a struggle that I didn't want to give up on but after staying in a department that I ended up despising from two years of teachers discouraging me and sabotaging me, I knew that it was my time to leave that toxic environment. I left a place that I had high hopes for in both my academic life and in my social life. I needed a change and that's when I made my first transfer to Queens College in Flushing, Queens, NY.

     Queens College became a place of comfort to me and it still is. It's where I found my love of music again and it's where I found my sorority Delta Phi Epsilon. After leaving Hofstra, which during the process of loosing my passion for music, I also found that the social life I had, even though it helped me grow and learn more about myself, wasn't what I needed at that point in my life - Queens College became a sort of paradise for me. I not only gained a reason for pursuing music again, but I also gained another family. As soon as I became a sister, I learned about the ways my sorority and Greek Life in general helps our community. I learned how DPhiE raises both awareness and money for important charities such as Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders, the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation and the Delta Phi Epsilon Educational Foundation and many other charities. Being in this organization has helped me grow as a person and I found it incredible that I found a group of girls who accepted me for who I was and accept me for who i've become and am still becoming. I found a community that accepts each other and we all have an inside understanding as to why Greek Life is important. I realize the scrutiny in which Greek Life undergoes and the stereotypes Greek Life obtains but I would never give up my organization. My sisters not only support me in everything I do, but they have remained special people in my life. I can turn to them and share the good moments as well as the bad and they have seen me at my worst and at my best. Finally, they are still there for me even though I am no longer a student at Queens College.

      During the Summer in-between Hofstra and Queens, I needed a change. I needed to get away from all of the pain I suffered at Hofstra and start my Queens College experience with a newfound attitude and outlook on life. That summer, I found a college that I wish I would have known about when leaving high school. That college is called Berklee College of Music. After a year at Queens College, I decided to transfer to Berklee and use this amazing opportunity to study from musicians who are not only in the music industry but also learn from my idols such as Paula Cole, Livingston Taylor and Lisa Thorson. I never would have thought that I would end up at such a world renowned school such as Berklee and it has completely changed my life.

      I am currently a dual major in Vocal Performance and Songwriting as well as a minor in Spoken Word Poetry at Berklee. The more time I spend in this amazing place surrounded by so many different, cultured and extremely motivated and talented people, the harder I work, and the more that I learn about who I am as a person, as a musician and what I want out of life. So far i've figured this much out:

       I know that I want a TON out of life but I know I can only get what I want out of life with hard work and determination. I want to pursue music and continue doing what I love but I know that I want to travel. I want see the world, learn about different cultures, learn about their traditions and about their different religions. I want to try amazing food and take in the natural beauty that the earth has to share with us and I want to find out more about myself as I learn about others. I want to question the world and have it question me and I want to be challenged by it. I know that I'm not perfect but that I definitely try to be and that I need to accept that sometimes I can't be perfect and that it's impossible to be perfect in the first place. I know that I make mistakes but i'll be damned if I don't try to fix them and right my wrongs. I know that I can be wrong and I know when to own up to my mistakes. However, I also know that I am stubborn and that if I feel the burning need to do so, I will do what I need to be right - I know that sometimes the need to be right, has to be put to the waist side and I have to try and see through another person's eyes.

    I know that I am 1 million percent sure that I want to fall in love. I want to be in the kind of love, where I would do anything for that person, feel safe and secure with them but at the same time feel like i'm falling down a black hole. I want that incredibly crazy, madly out of my mind kind of love and I do not want to have to apologize for it or worry about what other people have to say about it. I want to become closer to my religion and find out what I agree and disagree with. I want to have a family one day and I want to share the traditions and values that I grew up with, with my children and I want a partner that respects that.

     I want to make my mark on the world through whatever I do and I want to document my life. I want people to know that i've been here and I want them remembering how I made them feel. I want to find new ways to express myself, whether that be through writing, or photography, or skiing or even jumping out of an airplane. I want to try new things and find out even more about what I like and dislike and not change any of that for anyone.

     I know that I am a person who likes independence. I know how take care of myself and take care of those who need me. I am reliable, responsible and both academically and street-smart. I know that I am hard working, determined, extremely positive and sometimes even a bit doe-eyed - which is a quality that I love in myself even if people don't understand why I would want that. I know that even with high expectations for the world and the people around me that I at times need to see things for what they are and recognize reality from fantasy. I know that if I am feeling down, I know myself well enough to change my point of view and make a bad situation into a good one. I know how special it is to be able to look on the good side of things and see the glass as half full.

    I know that I am kind and caring and I know that I have a big heart and I try to see the best in people, even if they have done wrong by me or don't see it in themselves. I know what it's like to have rough patches in life and the need to help people who are in them and  I understand the strength that it takes to overcome them. I know that I have common sense, and a sense of understanding and I know that I am strong and I know that I do NOT deter easily. I will do what I need to do to make my dreams come true, and I will not change my beliefs or my morals to get them.

   I know that I still have a lot to work to do in terms of being able to constantly believe in myself and not conform to what society wants me to be. And I know that I need to work on not worrying what other people think of me both in my art, physically and emotionally, but these are things that are getting better with each day and are things I am finding more confidence in with each moment and each new experience.

     Finally, I know that I love my family and friends and that I love music, but I also know that those three things will be there for me when I fall down and will annoy the living crap out of me until I get up and keep fighting. Even if I get annoyed by that fact, I know that I am thankful to be in a position where I can count on others to be there for me, even if I am not able to see that in the heat of the moment.

    As of right now, I have no idea how things will turn out for me. I don't know if I will end up a musician or a photographer or a candle stick maker. I don't even know if i'm going to be able to eat something other than ramen noodles for the rest of my life... but the one thing I do know is that I have hope and a drive to do whatever my heart desires and I am so thankful for that. 

Until next time,

Hil Gold